Transition Revisited

The day after I dropped Ashley of in SLC I started struggling with my emotions again. I couldn’t figure it out. I had done this separation thing seven times before and it was not a two-day affair. By mid morning I had to retire to my bedroom to hide my tears as I lay on my bed. When my children left they had always came home again with spouses and eventually grandchildren. This is a win-win situation After some bitter struggling with my emotions I finally came to realize this was probably more about me than it was about Ashley’s leaving.

When you have your “last child” seven years after your other “last child” and you are already into your forties it is not without consequences. It means that should that child remain with you as they attend several years of collage while living at home you will be in your mid sixties when they finally leave home. I have high school mates that had two children in their early twenties. The children left home in their early twenties and the parents have already been empty nesters now for twenty years. I met a friend of Elaine’s and mine the other day that I first met when we were freshmen at BYU,  Danny Boyle. Danny was chasing a four year old around Lenharts. Danny got remarried in his late fifties to a women almost twenty years his junior. The four year old was not his grandchild. It was his daughter. He will be around eighty when this girl leaves home. For years now we have been invited to the empty nesters monthly potluck dinner/home evening in our ward.

First of all we didn’t want to spend the evening with those old people and second of all we weren’t empty nesters.

By maintaining teenagers in your home well into your middle age you slow the aging process. You are enriched by their lives and the lives of their friends that also come into your home. By maintaining a grandchild in your home in your mid sixties you can actually reverse that aging process.

So there you have it. This was my transition and I am coming to terms with it. I’m still not going to go to the empty nesters monthly potluck/home evening. Dad

Transition

4 A.M. Tuesday. It was decided the night before that I would drive Ashley to SLC rather that Elaine. She and Ashley had been up all night packing. I have no idea where she is going to put the stuff. My HHR  had only room for two people in the front seats. After prayer Mom and Ashley were both in tears. We had a pleasant trip. In-between Ashley sleeping we had time for reminiscing stories and some good laughs. One of the stories I told her was of just before Rob left for BYU. I was driving home on Broadway when I unexpectedly got all teary and emotional at the thought that he would be gone to school then a mission then marriage and he would really never "come home again" in some sense. All went well until we entered SLC and I knew that Ashley would be dropping me off at Jeans and continuing on to Rexburg alone.  Then it hit me. For the last ten miles we were both in tears. Ashley had a few minutes with each of the kids as they came home from school and then she was off on her new adventure. Jean by the way looks great. I kept looking at her and saying who is this girl? She could pass for someone 20 years younger. After supper with Jean and the kids I caught a late flight home and again was reminded that someone had left as we drove in the garage with one empty stall. Dad

Limo Driver

In the movie “The Bucket List” Morgan Freeman and Jack Nickelson are two older men who have a list of things they want to do before they kick the bucket. I too have a list. It is not very exotic and mainly involves things I haven’t driven so far in my life. As you get older I think you have license to satisfy some of these desires. Some time ago a Limousine company set up shop just down on Main four blocks from our house. They have a full complement of Limos from Lincoln town Cars, Hummers. to full buses made up as limousines. I didn’t even know being a Limo driver was on my list but some how it showed up. This is the story of my first two jobs. The misspelled words are a salute to my being able to spell words in such a way that even spell check can’t help me
My First Job as Lemo driver was to pick up a group of Hispanic people.

I was supposed to go though 16 hours of training for my new part time job. I was into the third hour on the second day of watching a video on the rules and protocol of chauffeurs. The trainer is also the manager and dispatcher. We were scheduling a time when he could take me out at night and drive around Scottsdale as that is one of the favorite destinations. He also wanted to acquaint me with nighttime driving in a stretch limo.

While we were engaged in this conversation a call came in from Phoenix from a very upset woman who had pre-paid $350 for three hours of limo service that was supposed to have started 30 minutes ago. Brandon shuffled though his desk till he found the contract that had not been entered into the computer and thus had not been assigned. Sensing the tension of the moment, I excused myself and told him I would call tomorrow. He replied, “How quick can you go home, get your suit on and be back here for this run”?

In the few nano-seconds that I had I am thinking; Lets see, I have never driven a stretch limo, we will be almost an hour late by the time that I get there, the customer is already upset---perfect---- I’ll take it and was back in 15 minutes. Helpers were prepping the limo when I got back and I got about three minutes of instruction on the controls of this stretch mobile. I put it in gear and pulled out of the yard into the narrow street behind the yard. How hard can this be I’m saying. After all I drive a forty-foot school bus every day. There were similarities. It seemed forty foot long but with less visibility both front and rear and a worse turning radius.

The occasion was a “Quinceanera” coming out celebration for a 15-year-old Hispanic girl. I had already been warned there would be no tip for this run as they have usually spent all the money they have been saving for months to put on this party. That proved to be correct but my life is more about experiences right now than it is about money.

Armed with a map of the destination in downtown Phoenix I was soon on the freeway trying to figure out how close the cars were to the rear of me as I was making lane changes. The map took me to one of the more humble parts of Phoenix. These were project houses. All looked alike and were the same color. As I made my way down the narrow roads between the houses my clue that I was at the right place was a group of nice looking young men in fancy tuxedos standing on their dirt lawn. This is all that was left as the rest of the group had move on to an Old Catholic church for the ceremonies. They quickly and courteously gave me directions to the church. The ceremonies were already in progress. When I dropped the boys off. I decided to lock the car and go observe what was happening. In testing the remote lock that had all the directions worn off I hit something while the door was still open which set the car alarm off. I can hear the music from the church so I assume they can hear the car alarm. Panic!! Getting a tip is now out of the question. I’m now just trying to stay out of jail for disturbing one of the most important events in a young fifteen year olds life. As it turned out after an eternity of 30 seconds getting the alarm off, I found the music I was hearing was coming from a loud speaker outside the church.

When you get to an event way late it seems to get over way early. Soon out came the party-goers in their fancy dresses and tuxedos. The mother who had prepaid for the Limo let me know of her unhappiness and reminded me that she had paid of three hours of service. I assured her that she would get her three hours and that I was at her service. Seven young men and one girl got in the back and asked me to just drive them around downtown Phoenix. I still have two hour left on the clock. After about fifteen minutes I stopped and asked them if they would like to go see some great Christmas lights in Mesa. They thought that would be cool so we took the freeway back to Mesa. I drove up in front of the temple and let them out advising them that this was a sacred place so they would need to observe a reverent attitude. The temple lights are very impressive and from their part of Phoenix it is possible they had never seen them before. They were quite impressive too. There were seven young men in tuxedos escorting one young woman in a princess gown around the temple grounds. Finally they had had enough. I felt like I was being instructed to take Cinderella from the ball back to the kitchen as we returned to the project houses.

Upon returning to Mesa what grandfather could resist going by his grandkids house and giving them a ride in the stretch limo before returning it to the yard. Not this one. Errol

Ride # 2 I picked up two couples in a gated community in Chandler and drove the to North Scottsdale for a short birthday gathering. The round trip was 90 miles. This trip was quite uneventful as I had my GPS guiding me and it was mostly freeway both ways. On returning to Chandler one of the men slipped me a couple of bills. Discretion dictates that you don’t examine the tip in the presence the customer. You merely thank them for being able to serve them and be on your way. At my first opportunity I held the bills up to the dim interior light of my stretch Cadillac to find they were both of the $100 type. My tip less teenagers soon became a dim memory and I was forced to reexamine my reasons for doing this job. EB

Organizing

Date: Sun, 22 Nov 2009 21:20:35 -0700

No one could accuse me of being a neat freak. In my mind I love organization and my only hope of getting there is to have less stuff. My goal is to be a minimalist but it takes too much work. By the side of my bed there has been for many years a binder that started out as a journal. Over the years it has become a place that I stuffed memorable things that I wanted to save.

Tonight I pulled it up on the bed and started going thought it. There were letters from my children, talks, birthday notes,appreciation notes from ward members, lists of all the cars and trucks I had bought over the years,{it is in the 60's} etc. My goal was to throw much of it away. That didn't happen. There was a reason I had stashed the stuff in the binder and I found that even though I hadn't looked at it for years I wanted to keep the evidence that someone thought kindly of me at some time.

One of my favorite birthday cards was from Heidi.[Picture of trees and forest] Dad I'll never forget how you used to take me places---Open card--but I always found my way home. I hope we will always know where home is and be able to find our way there.

This week my plan is to start training as a Lemo driver. There is a Lemo/ bus business up on Main that I stopped in at this week. I only work 30 hrs for the school so I thought I could get a few Lemo gigs on the side during the holidays. The pay is higher plus tips. Just branching out the arms of my new career.

Bad news this week. For the last five years I have been nurturing four aspen trees up in Pine. Rob and family helped me plant them. I was told it would be a challenge as the elk and deer love to eat the bark. We dutifully sprayed them with liquid fence [terrible smelling stuff that repells most animals] for these years but lost two of them last year. The other two were getting healthy in size and we love the look of Aspen. Last week when we went up these two were stripped of all there bark. So much for my Aspen forest. Love Dad

Random Thoughts

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Subject: RE: Random Thoughts
Date: Sun, 25 Oct 2009 09:11:34 -0700

One final thought on "The final resting place" here on earth and then I will give this a "rest".
I thought Terry gave the best summary of reasons to be buried in a certain place. I have lived most of my life in Arizona. Memorial Day in Arizona is almost a non-event in the Ray family. It is already hot and none of the wonderful traditions of going to the graves and getting together with relatives are practiced here. In the thirty years since Elaine's Moms death she has been to the grave, which is less than three miles from our home, three times. Her Mom is very close to her and she has felt her presence often but not in the cemetery so she feels no need to go there. Star Valley too is my "Home" but it is unlikely that my children would ever come there to pay their respects and in Arizona respect paying is a non-event.

I resent the costs of a traditional funeral and burial even though it is minute fraction of the monies that supported one in life. The billions spent putting people in the grave it seems could have a better use on the needs of the living. I remember Mom telling about when her brother Gerald died. The body was laid out in the family living room and they stayed up putting ice on it though the night until the funeral. I suppose the main expense was the casket which grandpa probably made.

One remembrance from the Fairview cemetery on memorial day when I was maybe ten years old. There was a particularly well endowed older woman there that Dad asked me to go up and ask her what she had done for him when he was a baby. I did not ask so he told me. Being the ninth of ten children apparently Grandmother Bagley was not able to nurse him properly so he got supplemented by this neighbor lady. He claimed that was why he was bigger than the rest of his brothers.

Anyway, that leaves me with the Grover hill fly over or they can sprinkle my ashes up on the hill above our Pine home. My children and grandchildren are sure to visit there. Perhaps none of my wishes will be considered and as Loren said "over my dead body" they will do what they want. On with the joys of living. Errol

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From: Terry
To: Errol
Subject: RE: Random Thoughts
Date: Sat, 24 Oct 2009 22:35:29 -0600

Dear Family: As I am the eldest I prefer to contsentrate on living! But in the event I am not twinkled with Christy I have arranged to acquire two lots in Afton from Partsy where Jerry , Ryan, Mom, Dad, Uncle Gene, Aunt Ida and Eugene are resting. I could just as easily have chosen Fairview, but I want to be with "my family". I never lived at the Grover Ranch, so I have no connection with it although I understand Errols affinity with it. I have always considered Star Valley "home". Yes I have lived in California, Washington, Oklahoma and Idaho, but Star Valley is "home". It is where I grew up, worked with dad and Jerry, went to school, went on my first date, kissed a girl for the first time, had my first love and went steady my junior year; graduated from High School, left for and returned from my mission. It is where I gave my wife a diamond and announced our engagement. It is also where Mom & Dad gave us a wedding reception and sent us to the cabin for our honeymoon. But I would really like to be "twinkled" Terry

From: Errol
Sent: Saturday, October 24, 2009 1:16 PM

Subject: RE: Random Thoughts

I am waiting for the wisdom of Terry and Christy on this important topic. I think I will add something John and I can both take some pleasure in. I think I will hear Dads call just as well from the Grove hill as anywhere as that is where I heard it the most in the Grover house. I would like John to do a fly over of the Grover hill and drop my ashes from at least 100ft elevation. I think the prop wash would insure a good even spread. One added memory from that hill was that I shot my one ond only deer just on the top. There were two standing across the first draw. Dad said" You take the one on the left and I will take the one on the right". We dropped them both. Errol

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From: Jule
To: Errol
Subject: Re: Random Thoughts
Date: Fri, 23 Oct 2009 19:12:16 -0600

My Oh My but this has taken a serious note!

Errol: don't paint any more lockers and get to Wyoming as soon as you

can to get some fresh air!! Take in all the air you can in Idaho as you go.

Breathe slow. breathe deep. As Dolly Levi said in "Hello dolly": Just keep breathing!!!

Like Merissa, I too was happy that you brought up cremation.

That wasn't incarnation that you were thinking of, was it?

I have long expressed that the thoughts of being under the ground are most distressing tome

LIke Aunt Christy, I just gotta have a way to get out!

I have said to John, maybe just wrap me in a shawl and put me in a tree.

But, as to where? The Ranch in Teton Valley has my heart.

I too love Star Valley, very much, but, my life has been lived with my family in

Teton Valley. I love our ranch. I want to be sprinkled in a bed

of natural wildflowers on the hill with the Tetons ever visible.

I would like all of you to join me, as that's whar we are:

a varied and wonderful family of wild flowers with mountains

to climb or fly over or walk through.

Now, on with the joy of life while we are living!

Julie of the South China Sea

On Oct 22, 2009, at 9:44 PM, Errol Bagley wrote:

Dear Family,

You must understand that I spend five hours a day [90 miles] driving school bus. Bus driving only uses 37% of your brain except at intersections [150 per day] when it can go up to 65%. I therefore have time to think of the meaning of life and of death with the other parts of my brain while driving. Today I was thinking about death and particularly where I would like to be buried if I could be buried anywhere and not confined to a cemetery . I would ask each of you to think about your answer to that question before you read mine.......................

I decided that I would like to be buried on the dry farm on top of the hill behind the Grover Ranch house. I used to be opposed to cremation but I have mellowed to that idea and I would not mind if my ashes were spread up on that hill. Grover has many great memories for me. It is where I came into my own in young manhood. I loved the ranch. My High School years were good. It was on that hill that we baled hauled and staked a 1000 bales one day. That was a lot of hay in those days. I was watching the bale counter and immediately told Dad when it hit 1000 as we had never done that before. I thought he might call it a day. He duly noted the fact and kept on baling.

I saw an arcticle about a burial place where no caskets or markers were allowed. The bodies were just wrapped in a blanket and put in the ground. A geo-marker was put in the ground so the location could be identified electronically in the future and the body would speedily return to mother earth.

I am not discounting how much I enjoy going to the cemetery and visiting the place of our loved ones final resting place. It is very special to me. I would be interested in your thoughts on this subject if you care to share them.

Errol

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The Good Life

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Dear Family, For those of you in the mist of making a living, raising children, and finding love I salute you. I have had a great life but there is no part of it that I need to go back and live over.

I find I am most satisfied with being older and having a great store of memories that I can access from my hard drive and relive in my mind if I wish and I do regularly.

To live with the pleasure of my wife, children, and grandchildren is reward enough for whatever good I may have done thus far. It goes by very quickly and each stage needs to be savored even in its challenges.

I share this with you in hopes that it will be an encoragement in whatever stage you are in to live it to the fullest. Then, when you get older like me you will have both posterity and good memories. Love Dad

The Cat Man and the Inner city

We live just four blocks from the Arizona Temple. It is one of the most visited spots in Arizona.  Unfortunately it is no longer the best part of Mesa, which brings me to the cat man. Some months ago at the end of our street on Horne a man set up shop feeding cats. He arrives before dawn and stays for hours feeding cats from the neighborhood. He appears to check them off on a list he keeps and carefully feeds and holds each cat till he is satisfied that all have been accounted for. The cat man is very thin wears a safari hat, cargo pants, and has plastic bags tied all over his bike. I am told he is well educated but for some reason has dropped out of mainstream society.

 

We also have Dizzy who has haunted Main Street for decades now. He carries a cross and a bible, is usually listening to music and does dances and makes unusual hand gestures as he performs crossing the intersections mostly at Stapley and Main. He is getting older and gaining weigh but still keeps up a fairy vigorous pace. Years ago I saw him dancing at Mesa Drive and Main with what appeared to be a just a large diaper on. I called the police.

 

We also used to have a long legged prostitute that patrolled Horne between Main and Brown. She is missing this year.

 

There is of course Bob of Third Street. Bob has more jokes and the greatest sense of humor of anyone I know.  He works for Ellsworth and serves many of the widows in the area mowing their lawns and taking out their trash.

 

Such is the flavor and texture of the inner city.